I’m in a rollercoaster of emotion right now. Everything’s hitting me at once- Stress, anxiety, nervousness, sadness, excitement, happiness, and just flat out overwhelmed.

The money is going to come in and right back out tomorrow.

I just left a job I’ve been at almost a year with a pretty good retention in clients and hardly any drama.

I’m scared to death Glenn’s gonna be at work all weekend and I really, really need him around.

I’m nervous about moving to a town where I know no one.

But, I’m excited too. I have high hopes for lots of opportunities. And, at least I’ll be closer to my grandma this summer. Hoping to see lot’s of her! I am hoping to find my ultimate dream job, and have little drama there too!

I am sad also, because I feel like I’ve been a crappy friend. Or maybe I just have crappy friends. Or both.

I know it’s just as hard to have a friendship as it is a committed relationship. Any kind of relationship takes effort on both parts. It’s easier to just be wrapped up in your own life- which I admit I’m definitely guilty of that. I should just be thankful I have a handful of amazing friends that are there when I need them to be!

I also have something else on my mind and it’s going to sound so ridiculous- but I have to say it.

I’m nervous and sad and scared because we’ll have very little money in our budget for groceries. Why does the crappiest food out there have to be the cheapest? We are probably going to eat like crap the first month we move, and I absolutely hate that. And I know for a fact that I’m going to gain weight. I realize now that eating processed garbage was a big part of the reason I was heavy growing up. Hamburger helper, hot dogs, macaroni and cheese were all a big part of my diet growing up. (Not to down my mom, she worked HARD just to provide that for us girls growing up and she did her best… but with genetics playing a big part of it, too, it didn’t sit well with me!) But now that I know that those foods hinder me and cause me to gain weight, it’s so hard to go back to it even though financially I’m almost forced to. I see so many ad campaigns for the problems with America’s obesity… but it’s almost like the government wants us to be fat. Why not make health foods a little more attainable for the everyday people? There’s a reason behind it all, I know it.

Anyway… thanks for reading guys! I feel much better after getting all of that off my chest. Getting ready to hit the sack, tomorrow’s a new day and a very busy one at that! :)

Sorry I haven’t written much lately… I’ve been super busy and whatnot. I guess.

I’ve had a lot on my mind career wise. I’m wondering if I want to do hair forever? I mean- doing hair is great and somedays I’m really passionate about it.

But food, food has always been a passion of mine. But for the first part of my life I wasn’t educated enough nor did I have the proper upbringing to feed my passion in the right ways. I grew up eating whole packages of bologna, whole bags of doritos, and whole bags of oreos in one day. I could easily eat 3 full plates plus dessert at any buffet, and devour a large pizza by myself on a Friday night. For one, I ate my feelings, and for two I just didn’t care to know all the horrible crap in that food and for three I had stretched my stomach so far that eating that much was the norm for me. So the only thing that really could save me was weight loss surgery.

Since then, my life has changed… and even more so in the past few months. I have really dived into the food world, discovering what organic really means… eating raw, natural foods and just learning and soaking up as much information that I really can.

What do I really want to do? I want to have a mini farm with chickens, a few cows and I’m not sure what else yet. LOL I also want a HUGE vegetable and fruit garden. I’ve learned how to make so many of my own sauces and salad dressings already, and there’s so much more that I want to learn and tweak in my recipes. I’ve even thought about opening up a restaurant where I serve only organic and home grown or locally farmed products.

Part of me wants it all. To do hair, run my farm, do a food blog… and a restaurant?! I don’t know. I do know how easily overwhelmed I get (I discovered a big part of that is being a sensitive… being sensitive to emotions, touch, sound etc and it takes a lot of your energy). But I also just really want to do this! I almost feel like I need to! And I am for sure doing a food blog… knowing as much information as I do I can’t not share it.

So what do you guys think? Am I capable of “having it all” (remember I want 4 kids, too! lol)

I’m in such an incredibly frustrated mood. I’m so frustrated that I’ve barely talked to my poor husband since getting home from work. That like, never happens. I am just worn out. Physically, emotionally, mentally.

I’m tired of faking a smile. Acting like everything’s alright. I’m tired of competing in a place where I shouldn’t have to. I’m tired of feeling my personality is muted. 

I have never once acted like I’m better than anyone. I feel so completely misunderstood.

These people seem to think I have no ambition.

They think I’ve lost my passion.

They think I should do this or that.

Truth is, maybe I have…

Truth is…

I had ambition but there’s personalities louder than mine. I honestly don’t feel like you have to shout something from a rooftop to be heard. It’s the whisper in the winds that sometimes can bring the greatest prosperities. It’s that little trinkling of hope that comes from a misty rain. And when you are listening to the screams its hard to hear the whispers. And I refuse to shout to be heard. I tried. It didn’t work. I’m not giving up, I’m moving on. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I probably care way too much.

That’s why I’ve pulled away… because I care so much but my opinions are not valued. No ambition? You don’t have to say it out loud for me to see that’s how you feel about me. And that’s ok… maybe I just don’t belong. I honestly feel like I’ve never belonged anywhere. But someday, I will. Maybe it will take me doing some more soul searching… for me to find myself. For me to come into being a sensitive and what it truly means… to gain the power to block others negative connotations… to be able to forever put that bubble of white light around myself and protect myself. For me to truly stop caring what others think about me, and just be me. 

See the thing is, I have dreams bigger than some of you can even imagine. And you can say how much of a go getter you think others are… but see to be a go getter… you have to go and you have to get. That’s what I’m gonna do.  

Truth is, I’ve always wanted a home

I’m tired of travelling down this long and dusty road

Stability is something I’ve always craved

Roots to settle down

A place to call my own

Somedays I feel I’ll never have that

That I’m meant to be a sparrow in the wind

And now… now I know I may never be planted,

Not physically, at least…

But when I look at you,

I know deep down,

That you are my home.

And in your heart is where my deepest roots are

Until the day my love, that we can have a forever home…

You will be my shelter.

Your arms will be my place of rest and your heart will be my sanctuary

Your laughter will bring me peace of mind

And looking in your eyes knowing your love for me,

That will be my security.

The warmth of your body lying next to me,

Regardless of where or how long,

Will be the strength I need to keep going…

And feeling you breathe and your heart beat,

Will keep mine beating right along.

You are my soulmate, my home, my everything…

And that is all I really need.

I was just thinking earlier how different my life is now at twenty-seven than it was even three years ago at twenty-four. I feel like I was just a baby then. My mom says I was a late bloomer and that’s true. I spent my first few years out of high school partying and dating all the wrong guys, living paycheck to paycheck and never having anything that amounted to much.

I’ve just been thinking a lot lately how much time flies. Time is the most valuable thing in the world, it’s something that you can never, ever get back.

I am just so thankful that four years ago I took a good hard look at my life and where it was heading if I didn’t make a change. Moving back in with my parents and having my surgery truly did change my life. I figured out a lot about myself that I didn’t know.

Since then, and meeting my now husband, I feel like life has just had it’s grips on me and everything is moving forward. I’m proud of that, truly… but sometimes it can be overwhelming. Life is great now and I can’t imagine going back to how it used to be. I just need to find some better ways to do things. I am and never have been a very organized person. But now because my life is so busy, and because I’m self employed, I need to learn how to get there. And, I always just feel like I’m running on empty. Which is crazy because I’m always talking about how great I feel. Well, I do feel great but because my schedule is so much fuller now than it used to be I am just exhausted, and overwhelmed. And, there’s so much more that I want to do! So one of my goals for this year is to find a way to get organized and stay that way! I also feel like on the weekends I have so much in my mind that I want to get done, and then because nine times out of ten I never accomplish those goals, I feel stressed and burnt out during the week. I mean, how hard is it to make a to do list and just check things off once they’re done? LOL

Anyway, just kind of ranting. I have just always been a dreamer, but I really do have a lot of things that I want to accomplish and I really feel like I’m on my way to accomplishing these things. I just need to remember to take time out for me. Because part of who I am, is wanting to do for others. If I can’t even take time out for me then I cannot do for others. That will just continue to leave me feeling empty, overwhelmed, and exhausted. But I’m really proud of the person I have become, and I just hope that I can continue to grow and be able to always help others. I have already accomplished so many of my goals in the last two years, and just keep pushing further and further.  

Confession: I am a sensitive.

2. responsive to or aware of feelings, moods, reactions, etc

 I feel more comfortable admitting this now that my mom realizes she is also one. When I was younger, I used to tell her things I saw and felt, and she never believed me and even made fun of me.

My mom and I have connected on a much deeper level recently, and we have both started to delve into sensitivity a little more. I have always known things that others had no idea that I knew, or they questioned how I could know these things. I take in everything around me and I’m very good at reading people. I can usually tell what someone is thinking or feeling just by their body language or an expression on their face. The only problem with being a sensitive, is that in itself, you ARE sensitive. You tend to take what everybody’s feeling and turn it against yourself. Sometimes it can be about you, but nine times out of ten, it’s not. I feel awful that I’m always asking people if they’re mad at me or upset with something I said or did. This is something I want to look into more in the sensitive world… something I want to learn to control. I want to have more power over my own emotions, instead of just feeling everyone elses. I think this is a part of why I haven’t been able to really be me. Because I’m so busy caring about others, and taking their emotions and making them mine. I need to learn how to let go of that and allow myself to just be happy. But, being a sensitive is a great and powerful gift. I feel like I have already helped a lot of people (those who have allowed me to, I don’t step in unless I feel ‘invited’). Anyway, I used to lead myself into a lot of bad directions, and sensitives are known to do that… but I have learned to always go with my GUT INSTINCT if something is telling me it’s wrong… and I just hope that will continue to lead me down the right path.

That’s all I have for tonight. :)

 

So, I was driving back home from Lima tonight, and a song came on the radio… it was a song that I’ve known practically my whole life. A song that was designated to me by my mother… you know how moms do when they’re singing a song to you they point at you and give you that look like “this song belongs to you” Well for this song it rang as true then as it does now, and I hope that as many young girls could hear this song as possible…

The song we are talking about is Wilson Philips “Hold on for One more Day” If you don’t know it please do yourself a favor and go listen to this song, especially if you are a woman, who went through a lot of crap, like myself.

See for me, this song has always said… so so so many things! As a young girl being bullied by the girls and always the friend never the girlfriend to the boys, it said to me… just wait ugly duckling someday you will become a beautiful swan. To the young adult who was so naïve, trusting, and desperate to be loved, that she got mentally and emotionally abused,  it’s saying “break those chains” and do not allow that behavior any longer!! To the woman I am today, it’s saying I told you so… someday, baby. And I know someday, I will sing this song to my little girl, and always expect her to be her own person and stand up for what she believes in. But for now, this song always has and always will have so many different meanings in every point of my life… and I will always turn it up and belt it in the car when I hear it.

So, good news: We finally got a computer! Yay! Which means I can finally start blogging again! Maybe I’ll gain some of my sanity back. LOL

Just to update you on my last post, I didn’t survive the 30 day challenge of no facebook. I even tried deleting the app off my phone. It’s too addicting! But, hopefully I’m getting better at not saying inappropriate things. I hope.

So, I’m sitting here with my 2nd cup of coffee… yum, and the house is pretty quiet. Glenn is on a run and was gone all night, probably won’t be home til tomorrow am. I’m thinking of all the things I can get done while he is away. When he’s home, I just want to spend as much precious time with him as possible. (For those that don’t know, Glenn is my husband and he’s a freight conductor for CSX railroads. He’s on call 24/7) But, for right now I’m just enjoying my coffee and being able to blog, and know that I can continue to blog on a regular basis.

So here are a few updates. I gained 17 pounds over the holidays/winter… and Glenn had gained 30 since we got together. So, I changed our lifestyle to paleo, and so far it’s going great. We both feel a lot better and instead of only eating once a day I’m eating 3 times a day with a few light snacks in between… and I’ve noticed I get fuller faster at mealtime! We’ve both lost a couple pounds already. Glenn has been driving an hour back and forth to work and it’s just killing us on gas, plus interupting our time together, so we’ve decided to move closer to his work. Which also means I have to leave my job. It was my decision ultimately, but I’m pretty sad about it. Luckily, I will be coming back once a month to work there. I love my job and the people I work with… But I also have a lot of hopes for my future job/career, in hopes that I can do a little more and have some more variety in a bigger town.

I look at my blogs from the past, and wow what a difference a year and a half can make.

It would take a super long blog to update you on that last year and a half, so I’m not going to bore you with the little details. Just know that I’m married, happy, and we plan on starting to try for a baby in about a year. We went to the courthouse in October to get the paperwork taken care of before he left for training (he was gone 6 weeks in Atlanta, it was ROUGH). We are still having a ceremony and reception in August. Only 6 months away! Arghh! But, all the details are really coming together and I couldn’t be more excited to share our big day with everyone. Then, since he only gets two personal days and no vacation til 2015, we wont be having a honeymoon til about 6-8 months after the wedding. No biggie, that gives us more time to save and we won’t have to worry about him missing time from work with no pay.

So, other than that… I just have been keeping super busy, I work, and then I sell Mary Kay, and then I also decided to start up a page on facebook and start making crafts for people. It’s a new thing, so we’ll see how it goes.

I also have started feeling a little overwhelmed again, and like maybe I should have stayed in therapy a little longer. Like the problems I was having, they went away and now they’re resurfacing. I just feel like I don’t know who to be. Not that I don’t know who I am deep in my core, but It’s like this. Back in high school and shortly after, even when I was heavy… I was carefree, fun, and I trusted everyone. Maybe a little too much, but honestly I’d rather be like that then how I am now. I feel like I have all these walls up and even I can’t tear them down. I feel like I can’t even trust myself. I have gone through so much since then, and have made such positive changes in the last two years, but still I struggle. I think, honestly,I’m spending way too much time caring about who others want me to be, then who I want me to be. Because, I want to be that fun loving carefree girl… and then I feel like whenever I let her out just a little, people look at me like I’m nuts. People used to look at me like that all the time and I didn’t care. Now I do. I wished I didn’t. It just seems like when you’re a good person and you try to give you just get stomped on. I don’t know, this place we’re moving to, I don’t know a soul. I’m terrified, but maybe that’s what I need to really bring the old me back.

It has been such a long time… But tonight, I am allowing a few minutes for myself to just write. I need it.

I have been crying for the last like hour because of stupid family stuff going on right now… and this fight started over Facebook. I am so tired of technology ruining relationships. Yes, I said something stupid and someone’s feelings got hurt. But do you think there’s been one phone conversation to fix this? No. I’ve apologized about a million times and I know sorry doesn’t fix everything, but instead of one of us picking up the phone and just having one conversation, the messages and texts fly back and forth drawing everything out much longer than need be. I’m OVER IT! I said something on facebook about technology ruining our relationships and in response someone else wrote a seperate post about how it’s not technology’s fault it’s my own because of what I choose to say. I’ll admit I’ve had many cases of open mouth insert foot but I ALWAYS apologize. People seem to think I am out to intentionally hurt others. If you truly know me, you’d know that’s not the case.

Anyway, I am just tired of it… It’s a vicious cycle. No one picks up the phone to call me so I don’t either. We hide behind computers and phones to talk to eachother… and things get misconstrued. So, I’m taking a challenge upon myself. After tomorrow, no facebook for at least 30 days. If someone wants to reach me they can call. And vice versa. Maybe I can learn to practice thinking before I speak, type, or any other form of communication. Maybe I should start thinking before I think, too. LOL

I’d like to get back to the basics… I wish I lived in the times when we didn’t even have phones and people wrote long-hand letters. Do you think things got misinterpreted then? Maybe so… Who knows. I love to write though… And I miss having a computer to be able to blog more often. I probably lost all my followers and for that I am truly sorry. Anyway, I hope this reaches my blogging world well… and that more people challenge themselves, too. Just get your face out of the computer/phone and go live life. If you want to have a conversation with somone, call them!  

Some may believe I’ve stopped writing. This is not true. I may have been silent for some time, but I will never stop writing.

The pen is the only thing that allows my heart no fear. The paper stares blankly at me, begging me to share my deepest secrets, desires,and fears. So without fear or inhibition, I allow the pen to flow freely over the desperate paper, fulfilling it’s wish to be full.

If you confront me, I will back down. Later, I will write to you all the things I wish I could have said.

Why is this so? Is it because it is easier to hand someone a piece of paper and run away while they can see the depths of your soul scrawled out, than it is to look someone in the eye and be that vulnerable, face to face?

Maybe the writing does let you hide in some small way. Maybe it does leave the facade that you can walk away with some dignity. But the truth is, us writers will bear more of our soul on paper than we or anyone else could face to face. It allows for a vulnerability that normal people just block. And I truly do believe, that that says something.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 347 other followers